Vajazzle

This post has nothing to do with vajazzling (although the term and concept do seem to get at the core of everything that's wrong with America). Get over it.

Remember when I had that epiphany way back when? Yeah, it was yesterday*. I was going to find the pseudo romantic comedy yuckity yucks held within the latest woes of city and adult life. I still hold strong to that plan. But I had to own up to some asshole tendencies I've been wielding around due to what can only be blamed on my horrible talent for being a brain-washed female. Or maybe just a female. Or a person. I can't decide how much responsibility I want to take for this yet.

If you are a female or male above the age of 15 in a relationship you most likely know what it means when one person does "the girl thing." The thing being, when you want your partner to know your expectations and state of mind without asking so they can anticipate what you really want or need out of a given situation--like the fact that I need at least 10 minutes to ditch my "street face" after getting home from work and out of the subway.

It's one thing to know someone's routine emotional states, but it's quite another to be a double-speak interpreter. You know how it begins, a cursory "no I'm not upset if you want to go out with the guys on our anniversary" claim that is so obviously beyond reason it's incredible. It ends with a stress migraine.

Women and men alike: we do this all the time. We keep our mouths shut, wait for the other person to notice that we are upset/pissed/sad/whatever, then get irrationally angry when they don't. If I could change centuries of gender stereotyping to indicate (by name and association) that both genders do this, I would probably get to it much later than necessary because I would do some way more awesome shit first. However, as a female, I need to own up to the fact that I do this quite often, and it makes everyone with lady bits look bad.



In my expert opinion**, part of being in a long term relationship is trust and security. You want to feel confident that this person knows your character, knows your moods, and even, however ridiculously, your thoughts on a range of actions and things without needing to ask. You spend a great deal of time, energy, emotional effort, and money to claim this. You wake up at 6am to put Neosporin on your boyfriend's scratched scalp to certify this. The massive sink hole of a gap in relational communication that happens when "the girl thing" is employed is supposed to test these waters. It's what keeps you from talking politics at dinner with the in-laws, or ever, really. It's why you balk when your spouse asks if he can skip dinner with your sister while he knows he shouldn't leave you alone with her. How could he not get that?

The other token to this kind of emotional self-sabotage is that we seem to take responsibility for the actions of our partners and family members in social and even non-social situations. This is why your mother needs to apologize for you being regularly late to everything (or just a bit too drunk at that wedding) endlessly, until she loses her memory or the will to care. Relationships are worse because your other half is who you chose to display to the world as the person you have sex with (FYI-I have many theories regarding calamities that arise from this very simple and obvious, but routinely overlooked, fact. More on this at a later date). Hence, arguing in front of other people is equivalent to something like having a colonoscopy in public (what up Harry Smith from CBS!).

Why can't we just say what we want or need instead of hoping the other person will "get it." Because we're brainwashed, you idiots (aka me)! Sure we can anticipate certain reactions in our partners, but no, you will never know it all. We also can't be lazy enough to expect someone else to do all the emotional tap dancing required to negotiate who gets to call the non-English-speaking landlord. Our own damn selfishness will always get in the way if we let it.

It's time for me to shut off the self-destruct mechanism. I recommend you do too, gents and ladies. "The girl thing" is something we all perpetuate, even if you want to pin it on the vajays. Say what you're feeling/thinking, even if it sucks. But if you are being ridiculous, own it and buck up. Then be done with it. Don't wait for your turn on the desperately (not so) secret "why can't today just be about me" trip to nowhere.

Unless, of course, you just want to be a disappointed a-hole all the time. Cuz that works for some people too.

*This post was published, then redacted, then published again at a later date. Whatevs, date-checking police.
**which is neither expert nor intelligible enough to be certifiable opinion